Spoiler alert for my readers in those parts of the world that are not America, in particular North America. If you think, based on the word football in the title, that this post has anything to do with a whimpy game played with a round white ball, you are sadly mistaken my friends. That game is called soccer.
I have been watching football for decades. And I’m like, very smart. I’m a stable genius, that I can tell you. But as I watched a game on the old boob tube the other day, it occurred to me that I know nothing at all about the rules of this game. And neither do you, trust me.
You know that trick play where the quarterback takes the snap, passes to his halfback, then the halfback passes it back to the quarterback? Here’s the thing. If the quarterback starts that play up under center then that play is illegal. And I do not mean illegal because he’s got his hands up under the center’s, you know, dingleberries. It’s illegal because at that point the quarterback is not an eligible receiver. However, if the quarterback backs at least one yard away from center and holds stationary in that position for at least one second before taking the snap, then he is an eligible receiver. Two feet back won’t do, he’s got to be at least three feet back. A half second in this position won’t do. It must be a full second. This came to my attention during the recent Chiefs/Titans game in which the Titans quarterback threw a pass toward the end zone, which was batted up in the air. The quarterback caught his own pass, and ran it in for a touchdown. The official ruled the quarterback was an eligible receiver because he had been lined up in the shotgun formation. Wait, what was that? Well the rules regarding eligible receivers is one of those mysteries of the universe which had bothered me for years, so I Googled it. That’s how I learned the rule stated above. But here’s the thing, the official had it wrong. The play was a touchdown, because the quarterback was an eligible receiver. But this was not because of how he lined up for the snap. It was because any pass batted into the air by the defense instantly transforms every player on the field into an eligible receiver. So why, exactly, don’t the officials know the rules? If you Google the General Rule of Eligible Receivers you will find it all so simple. It’s not exactly the General Theory of Relativity. It turns out that all offensive players not wearing an ineligible number are eligible receivers, providing they meet one of three criteria. Those criteria are: 1.) They are lined up at either end of, but in line with, the line of scrimmage comprised of players wearing ineligible numbers. 2.) They are lined up behind the line of scrimmage. 3.) They are a quarterback who…, well you already know that rule. All of this begs the question, what is an ineligible number versus an eligible number. In the NFL an eligible number is anything between 10 and 19 (wide receivers), 20 to 49 (running backs), or 80 to 89 (tight ends and more wide receivers). Except tight ends may wear 40 to 49 if all numbers between 80 and 89 are taken. Got that? Oh and by the way, if an ineligible receiver (see rules above) happens to wander across the neutral zone when a forward pass crosses said neutral zone, that is a penalty of ineligible receiver downfield. But what if the pass never crosses the neutral zone? Suppose the quarterback throws a swing pass out to a running back but behind the line of scrimmage. Can an ineligible receiver be downfield in that case? I have to tell you, I have no idea. And I have no time to look it up. I’m busy studying the General Theory of Relativity. It’s easier.
In the second quarter of the aforementioned Chiefs/Titans game, the Chiefs sacked the Titans quarterback. Said quarterback fumbled the ball and a Chiefs defender scooped it up, bound for glory. Whoops, the officials whistled the play dead. The rule says, he explained, that when the quarterback’s forward motion is stopped, the play is dead. Since the play is dead, there is no fumble. What? Yes, we have all seen this called when several defenders stand the ball carrier up and then try to rip the ball away. But this quarterback dropped the ball as a result of the initial hit. Believe me, there was nobody standing this guy up. He went down harder than Steve Bannon (don’t ever criticize family royalty in this country). The man was just flat out tackled, and he dropped the ball. Of course his forward motion was stopped. He was getting his arse handed to him by the Kansas City defense. But isn’t that just football? Let us stipulate that almost every time a runner gets tackled, his forward motion is stopped. The exception of course, would be if he’s running backwards, like Wrong Way Corrigan. How then, are there ever any fumbles in this game?
Now let’s talk about the ground. Yes I know the ground sounds like a very mundane topic, but in the NFL the ground is a controversial thing. The ground can suddenly and without warning jump up and cause a fumble. Or not. But which is the case when? Well as it turns out, that all depends (why am I not surprised). If the ball carrier is being tackled, and the ball pops out upon contact with the ground, that is not a fumble. If, however, the ball carriers is just a klutz and trips and falls and the ball pops out upon contact with the ground, that is a fumble. The lesson here is, don’t be a klutz. Then there is the question of the ground versus an incomplete pass. If a receiver goes down and the ball touches the ground at any point at all, that is an incomplete pass. Easy enough. However if the receiver gets both feet down, has control of the ball, and takes another step, that is a completed pass. If he subsequently goes to the ground and loses the ball, the rules regarding fumbles apply (see above) not rules for pass completions. But here’s what boils off my blood pressure medication. These seemingly simple rules lead to the infamous interminable replay. We are all treated to endless slow-motion, extreme zoom views of the ball from twenty-nine different angles. The TV announcers give their opinions. Oh the ball touched one blade of grass when the receiver went down. It moved one-quarter of an inch as the ball carrier was rolled by a three hundred-fifty pound defender, sacrificing his melon but protecting that ball, more precious than gold. (If the receiver’s contract is up at the end of the season, that ball is, literally more precious than gold.) In the end, it’s really all up to the officials, and usually some unseen guy in a replay booth in New York City two-thousand miles away from the game. Yes football is almost a religion in this country, but unlike the Pope, the officials (including the ones in New York City) are at times a little weak on being right. But let’s be honest, in football, as in life, it’s sometimes hard to know what is right. It all depends on whether your team just caught a break or got screwed. Unless your team is the Bears. The Bears always get screwed. But I’m from Wisconsin, that’s okay with me.