I woke up this morning with a great idea. I’m going to become a screenwriter. I even figured out the first line of my first screen play. It goes like this:
BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, (this is gunfire) BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!
Pretty cool, huh? The second line goes:
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! (Machine gun fire.)
As in any script, snappy dialogue is critical, so I jump right in with this:
“Hey babe! I’m out of ammo, get me another clip!” (Hunky long-haired male actor who is all sweaty and somehow lost his shirt, speaking to twenty-year old blonde actress who for some reason is dressed only in underwear and was forced to run through an open fire hydrant moments before.)
“Can’t! (Very wet and blonde actress speaking.) We’re all out!”
“What? We’re all out of ammo? Can’t be! This is a movie, we never run out of ammo!”
“Whoops! (Very wet and blonde actress speaking again.) You were right! I found more ammo in the fridge right next to your car keys.” (She tosses an ammo clip to the heroic actor, and in the process catches her bra strap on the fridge door causing a momentary peek at her nip, but not enough to bring ratings below PG.)
BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, (this is gunfire again) BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!
“Got him. Ha ha, he fell into that industrial trash compactor over there. Isn’t that funny? And that was the last of ‘em. All 25 bad guys inside the perimeter are now dead. There’s 30 more but they’re all outside in their black SUV’s waiting for the car chase. Throw me those car keys babe. We’ll jump in the Jaguar and blow their doors off.”
“But darling, we don’t have keys for the Jaguar. These are the keys for your 2004 Chevy Aveo with 205,000 miles on it.”
“Oh sh!t. We’re screwed.”
“No, I can’t bear the thought of it. Get in the car! I’ll drive!”
What do you think? How can I go wrong? I watch a lot of movies, and I can’t imagine any job easier than being a screen writer. From what I can see, the only hard part about making a movie is rounding up enough gunpowder. And you’ve got to make sure that when the good guys, or even the bad guys, are walking around anywhere in the movie, they’re always moving in short dramatic motions with a pistol held out in front of them with both hands while they peer ominously over the barrel. Even when ordering a pack of gum in a store they’ve got to have that pistol pointed, and right at the head of the storekeeper scaring the crap out of him. (Check out Martin Lawrence and Will Smith in Bad Boys.) But you can’t let it get boring. At some point you’ve got to up the ante with a bigger gun. (Check out Clint Eastwood and his 44 Magnum which will blow your head clean off). And then there is the big finale, with the really big hardware that makes everybody laugh because it’s, you know, so big. (Check out Clint Eastwood again with his Law’s Rocket in The Enforcer.) (Even better, check out Steven Seagal and his 16 inch guns on the battleship Missouri in Under Siege.) There’s just nothing more entertaining than a guy with a big huge gun blowing the head off some hapless bad guy. Well, maybe a really hot sex scene, but then you couldn’t take your kids along. Better to stick with the head-blowing-off.
Of course a good movie is more than shooting bad guys. You’ve also got to blow something up. Without a whole bunch of explosions, you got nothing. Bruce Willis blew up that whole office building in Die Hard. That was so cool. Who among us wouldn’t like to blow up an office building? Not for real, just in our deepest and darkest fantasies. Come on readers, be honest. I can picture you all looking around right now, like, nobody really knows what I’m thinking do they? As for me, I’m thinking about Spectrum Cable. They turned off my TV in the fourth quarter of a Packer game. B@$t@rds. I think their corporate office would look good in my movie, blowing up.
Then the other side of a good movie is a really hot, sexy girl. In the aforementioned Under Siege, Steven Seagal gets the hot sexy girl who made her entrance by popping out of a cake and transforms herself from a frightened mouse into a cold blooded killer. In Sudden Impact Clint Eastwood gets friendly with Sondra Locke, who plays a hot sexy girl who shoots a guy in the gonads (ouchy). Then of course there is James Bond with Pussy Galore, and Austin Powers with Alotta Fagina. I don’t know how those girls didn’t get Oscars.
But it’s not just the girls who are pretty these days, it’s also the guys. I was watching a clip from the Oscars recently on YouTube. (I have mixed feelings about the Oscars. I only watch the Oscars so I’ll know how to act when I get best screenplay award. I just hope they have plenty of cheese and crackers at the after-parties.) There was somebody doing a bit on this celebrity male actor who was so gorgeous (no I am not gay) that he outshone his gorgeous celebrity wife. Nevertheless, while they interviewed her husband she was doing this posing thing these chicks do. You know, this swishing back and forth, holding her hair up with her arm, moving her face up and pausing for the cameras, then down and pausing for the cameras, then turning to one side, then to the other. And of course after each motion she‘s always pursing her lips. You know, these chicks have just got to be pursing their lips. It draws their face into a slightly sour look like maybe they just ate a pickle. Holy crap, I just hate that stuff those chicks do on the red carpet. What do they think, they’re some kind of goddess? They’re interviewing your husband for god sake, and he’s prettier than you are! I want to reach into the TV screen, grab her by the scruff of the neck, and shake her. But it’s just as well I can’t. There’s not much scruff on that dress anyhow. There’s actually not much of anything on that dress above the belly button.
So who do I have in mind for the hot chick in my first movie? Won’t you be surprised. I’m going for Melania Trump. Yes I know she’s busy being first lady these days, but I have a feeling she’s ready for a career change right about now. And she’s already got experience with acting. Shortly after marrying The Donald she made an Aflac commercial. (Yes that’s right, shortly after marrying The Donald she plays the role of a duck. Did she mistake him for Donald Duck? Is there something kinky going on here?) I suspect she’s been acting ever since. And she’s good at it. I’m not even kidding, this is good stuff! In case you don’t believe me, I leave you with a link, right here.
I’m nominating her for an Oscar.