I have a still out back in the woods. And you should see it. It’s beautiful. It’s a great big, beautiful still. And I use this still to make the best vodka. Everybody loves my vodka, especially those Russians who live in that high rise down on Lakeshore Drive.
This still, by the way, is legal. I’ve never been convicted of it not being legal. But despite the fact that I’ve never been convicted, those people want to come after me. You know who I’m talking about. It’s those nasty people. They’re so nasty. We know who they are, don’t we. They wear blue uniforms and drive cars with bright flashing lights on the roof. But why would they come after me? I’ve never been convicted. There’s been absolutely no convictions! Still, they want to come after me and I’ve got to fight back. So I asked myself, how could I fight back? Then one day I turned on the news and it came to me. I will write a memo.
But what would be in this memo? Well, I figured out that this memo would point out just how corrupt those police officers are. If I point out how corrupt those police officers really are, then they will lose all their power and they won’t be able to come after me. And how can they be corrupt? Well I decided they would be corrupt by being on the payroll of my competition in the vodka business, and that competition would be my neighbors whom I would accuse of also having a still out back in the woods. Actually of course my neighbors don’t have a still, but that’s okay. If I say they have a still very loudly, and I say it often enough, then that’s the same as if they actually have a still. And if those police officers find my still, I’ll just say it’s my neighbor’s still. I don’t like those neighbors anyway. They’re just losers. They have only one American flag in their front yard, and I suspect that’s all they can afford. But I have twelve American flags. I’m so much better than they are.
So I called in my secretary. (Yes I know, most people have personal assistants these days, but that’s just crap, I still have a secretary.) (And you should see her. Wow, she’s a looker.) I dictated my memo to her because I don’t know how to type. Also I don’t know how to spell. But then I don’t know if she knows how to spell either, because if I don’t know how to spell, how would I know if she knows how to spell? You see how good I figured that out?
Of course I will need someone to deliver this memo. Everybody in town has got to see it. But how to do that? I can’t run an ad in the newspaper. The newspaper would know it’s from me. I need someone who will do this surreptitiously (my secretary says that means secretly, I hope she spelled it right). I need somebody who works cheap and who really knows how to deliver. Hold that thought, the doorbell just rang. Oh, the pizza is here. It’s the pizza delivery boy. Hey! That’s perfect! I’ll get the pizza delivery boy to do it! (And he’s so dumb, I know he’ll do it. He’s the dumbest delivery boy ever.) He can pretend that he wrote it and stick it in the mailbox of every home he delivers to. I just hope he doesn’t get caught because that actually is illegal. (Title 18, section 1725: Any person who knowingly deposits “mail-able matter” without postage in an established letter box shall be subject to a fine.) But if he does get caught, I never heard of him.
So me, my secretary, and my pizza delivery boy, we all sat down to write this memo. It reads as follows:
February 7, 2018
To: Majority Members of The City Council of This Made Great Again City
From: The Pizza Delivery Boy
Subject: Abuses Of Searching Woods Out Back Of Scrabby House By The Guys In Blue Uniforms
Purpose:
This memorandum provides Members significant facts related to the ongoing investigation of The Guys In Blue Uniforms who have been poking around in the woods out behind Mr. Crabby Scrabby’s house. Okay there isn’t any actual investigation, but please pay attention anyway. My findings, which are detailed below, 1.) raise concerns with the legitimacy and legality of searching those woods by anyone in blue uniform who might find a still, and 2.) represent a troubling breakdown of the processes designed to avoid those squirrels back there being disturbed.
Investigation Update:
On October 21, 2016, The Guys In Blue Uniforms obtained a search warrant for the woods in back of aforementioned house. This warrant was based on nothing more than:
1.) The fact that the squirrels stumbling out of that woods were always completely drunk. Neither the initial application, nor any of the renewals, disclose or reference the role of a certain member of the local Humane Society in preparing a complaint based solely on the behavior of the drunken squirrels. It is common knowledge that The Humane Society has been an opponent of Mr. Crabby Scrabby ever since that time he was arrested for kicking a muskrat, especially since said muskrat was so badly kicked that it had to be relieved of its pain by a Guy In Blue Uniform using his service pistol. A terrible conspiracy between the Humane Society and The Guys In Blue Uniforms, and against Mr. Scrabby, commenced immediately henceforth.
2.) The search warrant application also cited extensively an article in the local newspaper of this Made Great Again City of ours written by Michael Isikoff. (It was a slow news day.) This article does not corroborate anything because it is based solely on the word of the drunken squirrels themselves. And you can’t rely on them, because they were, you know, drunk.
3.) Before and after these squirrels were terminated as a source, it was determined that they held a grudge against Mr. Scrabby because he kept chasing after them with a shovel. He was trying to Make His Lawn Great Again, and he didn’t like them always burying their acorns in it. (Admittedly, that does make quite a mess.)
4.) According to Head Guy In A Blue Uniform, corroboration of the testimony of the drunken squirrels was in its “infancy” at the time the search warrant was granted. Mr. Scrabby was then advised of the testimony of said squirrels, even though at the time it was “salacious and unverified.” Mr. Scrabby considers this advisement to be unwarranted and traumatic. He’s actually quite used to salacious, but is accustomed to people around him pretending salacious doesn’t exist.
5.) The search warrant application also mentions information regarding a marauding raccoon, but there is no evidence of any cooperation or conspiracy between the drunken squirrels and the marauding raccoon. Text messages between the squirrels also reflect extensive discussions about the investigation, orchestrating leaks to the media, and include a meeting with officials of the Humane Society to discuss an “insurance policy” against Mr. Scrabby chasing any more squirrels with a shovel.
I think it’s a pretty doggone good memo, even if I do say so myself. As soon as it gets released, I will orchestrate a publicity campaign to get that search warrant declared illegal and completely inconvenient for me. But if anybody ever asks, it was the pizza delivery boy. It was all his idea. And I don’t even know him. I don’t even eat pizza.