I am devastated! Twitter deleted almost all of my followers! And you should know I had a lot of them. I am, after all, a Twittering Black Belt. (Like 95% of all Twitter users, I hereby offer to teach you anything you want to know about Twitter for a very reasonable fee. No refunds.) I had so many followers. And they were more than mere Twitter followers. They were my very best friends. Twitter had the audacity to make the completely unfounded and fake news allegation that they were bots. They think my followers were robots! Are you kidding me? Have you seen C-3PO? You think he can do Twittering, with those big mechanical fingers of his? And look at R2D2; he couldn’t even reach the keyboard. Twitter thinks my followers were bots. The nerve! After all, I spent fourteen hours every day with them. I woke up to them, I relied on them for solace, and I checked with them before I went to bed every night, just to make sure they still had my back. And they always did. They always assured me that they would keep track of every outrage of American society while I slept. And now they’re gone. One day I logged in and they were all gone, like a bunch of little Twitter birds that got sucked into a jet engine and blown out the back, nothing more than a puff of feathers and fluff. (Okay, maybe that was a bit intense.) I am in mourning. Please, allow me a moment to gather myself (sniffle).
As I sit in my favorite comfy rolling office chair that I bought at the Cedarburg flea market for $10, and stare at the screen, I lament the loss of so many. My followers list used to number 1,796. There was Yuri and Dmitry and Ivan and Vlad and Leonid and Alexei and Anatoly. And that’s not to mention Viktor, Vitaly, Sergei, Rostislav, Igor, Georgy, Mikhail, Nikita…you get the picture. I had a lot of friends. And those were just some of my bestest buddies. Now I’m down to two followers, CutsieSusie and SmartyPants. Not that they aren’t nice people, but holy cow, how many times do I have to tell them I’m married? Hundreds of times they have both told me they are 23 year old attractive ladies in need of some loving, and they’d like to share pics and personals (on their website). I know I’m quite a catch for any lady of the female gender (late sixtyish, half my hair still remains, blood pressure just 140/85) but come on ladies, give it a rest already! Can’t we just be friends?
True story: Shortly after setting up my Twitter account @CrabbyScrabby, I received a pop-up message stating I was locked out. They said someone may have gained access to my password, since my account was violating their rules, and I would never do that right? For sure! I would never do that! (Twitter trick #1: If you follow 20 people a day, an average of 4 or 5 will follow you back. But follow 50 people and then delete those who don’t follow back? That is Twitter naughty. I cannot divulge how I learned that.) (You all now owe me $29.99 for Twittering consultation.) To get unlocked I had to supply my cell phone number, to which some actual real Twitter person placed a call. After speaking to him the guy said, “Okay, I guess you’re not a bot.” So I ask you, why didn’t they do that with Ivan and Dmitry? Then they would have known they were not bots!
I contacted Twitter support to complain about their outrageous actions. They claimed they can tell these former followers of mine were not real and true people based on their IP address. Shame, shame on them! IP, you P, we all P. That only makes us human. I don’t care where people pee! Not everyone can afford to pee in a luxury condo. I call shame on Twitter for being so biased and shallow.
These were all real and true friends to me. I Tweeted my daily thoughts to them. They shared their deepest insights and concerns. And believe me, they were all true and Patriotic Americans. Like just the other day, it was:
Me (Tweeting): Today on ABC Cokie Roberts said politicians speak Gobbledyspeak. That’s kind of funny! 🙂
Ivan (Tweeting): All Amerika crazy these days, butt for you and me, and hour frends. We must do actions. Come march with us! 🙁
Me (Tweeting): Sunny and windy today. It’s supposed to get up to 50 F this week. 🙂
Ivan (Tweeting): All Amerika crazy these days, butt for you and me, and hour frends. We must do actions. Come march with us! 🙁
Oh yeah, you talk about good dedicated Americans; these are not people to just sit at their keyboards. They want to get out there and make themselves heard. And I’m right there with them. I went to a rally they set up, and there were lots of good people there. Everybody was waving their little flags, and wore their MAGA hats. It’s just a shame that Ivan couldn’t make it that day. I guess he got sick or something.
So now I have reached the end of my mourning period, and I am ready to move on. I am not someone to do nothing when I have been wronged. I will show those people at Twitter. And guess what? I discovered where my friends are hanging out these days, so I have rejoined them. I am with Ivan and Dmitry and Vlad once again. I have moved over to Instagram! And the best news of all is that CutsieSusie and SmartyPants are there too!