I came across a fascinating report on Animal Channel the other day. World famous animalogist Marlin Gerkins (no, not Marlin Perkins, I don’t want to get sued) was in Africa and had discovered a band of monkeys so deep in the jungle they had never before been disturbed by humans. This was a highly complex and organized monkey society. If we believed in evolution we might think they were advancing toward humanhood, as we will soon see. Let’s catch up with Marlin and find out what’s going on.
“As you can see (he whispers as he turns his face back to the camera) the monkeys are gathered around this marvelous invention as the brilliant young monkey who appears to be the inventor of this invention demonstrates it.”
Animal Channel zooms in as the young monkey places a Y shaped branch over a downed log. This branch was obviously chosen carefully, as the fork of the Y is placed downwards from the log to the ground to afford stability, and the main branch bends up from the fork of the Y at a 45 degree angle. There is a cupped wide spot at the tip of this now upturned limb where it apparently was broken off from the trunk of the tree. The young monkey places a baseball sized rock in this cup and jumps on the two branches of the Y. The rock holding end of this gadget levers quickly forward and hurls the rock through the air, forcing the operator of the mechanism to duck quickly so that the rock barely misses his head, but then flies fifty feet through the air and smacks into a tree. All the other monkeys, gathered around, leap and jump into the air, flinging their arms and grunting their hoo-hoo-hoo monkey grunts. Meanwhile, young inventor monkey grabs another rock from a nearby pile and promptly sends it also hurtling through the air to smack into the same tree. He repeats this over and over until he is out of rocks.
“And so we see (Marlin, whispering again) these monkeys have made an amazing advance in monkey technology. By my count, they are now capable of hurling 15 rocks per minute with a force never before possible. For the sake of scientific nomenclature, we will call it the AR-15, which will stand for Alotta Rocks-15 per minute.”
Wanting to continue the fun, a small group of monkeys scurried around and gathered up more rocks.
“The advent of marvelous invention (Marlin whispering toward the camera again) results in a corresponding advance in societal organization. Not wanting the rock-throwing fun to end, this other group of monkeys has organized themselves around the task of providing more rocks. And now in fact, I see several of them dragging similar uniquely shaped branches out of the woods. Again, for the sake of scientific nomenclature, we will call that group the MRA, which will stand for the More Rocks Association.”
Seeing the effectiveness of this organized group and wanting to encourage more fun, the other monkeys began rewarding the MRA with bananas. Soon the MRA had amassed all the bananas it could ever want, to do with as it pleased. That’s a good monkey business for you.
First thing you know, some of the other monkeys had grabbed their own branches and were hurling their own rocks. Every few minutes one of them would howl in pain after not ducking quickly enough, thusly hitting himself in the head with his own rock. (Yes, I use himself intentionally. It seems only the male monkeys get a kick out of this, I have no idea why.) The other monkeys reacted in glee at the sight, and were soon hurling rocks at each other. It wasn’t long at all before things were getting out of control.
It fell to the Grand Council of The Monkeys, governing body of this great society, to determine the proper course of action. Only the most wise and august members of this monkey society were members of the Grand Council. They gathered in a circle and began hoo-hoo-hoo’ing at each other, with the occasional howl and grunt thrown in. Thus began the great debate, interrupted only by a few moments taken to scratch private parts or jump on some random female who happens to wander by (plenty of time to repent before the next election). Marlin Gerkins explains what is going on.
“It appears the council is following the lead of one member as he knuckle-walks his way over to the nearest AR-15. We see now that he has grabbed the branch and broken it apart, to the consternation of the MRA.”
A flurry of activity erupts at this action by one of the monkey leaders. Several members of the MRA approach the Grand Council with bundles of bananas, taken from their ample stock. As members of the council gorge themselves on bananas, the council member who had broken the AR-15 tried to help himself to some. The MRA monkeys poke him in the eye and pull away the bananas. Again, Marlin Gerkins explains.
“Now we see the growing sophistication of this monkey society. The MRA is punishing the council member who broke apart the AR-15 by withholding bananas from him.”
After a few moments of monkeyhood deep in thought, other members of the Grand Council of The Monkeys grab for bananas before they are gone. However, the MRA sees the value in the shrinking yellow pile and begins to withhold them. At that point the brilliance of this monkey society becomes evident, as a few members of the Grand Council flit off into the jungle and soon return with more rocks and Y shaped branches. They give these to the MRA and are instantly rewarded with bananas. Amazing! These monkeys have invented bribery! It’s just so cute that I can’t believe it. Suddenly every member of the Grand Council of The Monkeys runs off into the jungle to gather rocks and sticks. Upon their return they distribute them generously to any monkey in sight, and soon they are up to their necks in bananas.
In no time at all there are monkeys everywhere, flinging rocks in every direction. Some find great fun in firing them at each other, and some are just hitting themselves in the head. The hoo-hoo-hoo’ing, grunting, and howling are deafening. All are flinging their arms, jumping up and down, and shaking their heads wildly back and forth, thusly sending monkey spittle flying. Members of the Grand Council are gorging themselves on bananas.
Marlin Gerkins closes the show.
“I hope you have enjoyed this most amazing display of monkey sophisitication. We have witnessed behavior never before seen in monkeys. I think it is fair to say that they are well on their way toward emulating their primate cousins, that most amazing creature of all, mankind.”
Yes Marlin, I agree. Truly, they are well on their way.