When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and so do our courageous congressmen. By which I mean, they’re going out the door as fast as they possibly can. Why? Because they have figured out that even the most power-packed presentation of poop chute propaganda perpetrated by pragmatic prostitutes promoting pretend parsimony doesn’t seem to be selling tickets anymore. Even perfectly propagated parody of partners in political pantomime is no longer palatable. Now they are simply protecting their private parts pending a projected progressive purge. (And many thanks to my buddy Steve for all that foregoing clevertude.)
Just over two years ago they chose a new leader to be Speaker of the House, and he is now totally proving his leadership ability. He is leading them out the door. Speaker has announced he will not run for re-election, as he wants to spend more time at home with his money. If his family is there, that will be good too. About forty other majority party congressmen have already announced that they are likewise minded. Most have said that as private citizens they will continue to pursue their conservative convictions, while some will just be trying to avoid conviction. (Check their websites for links to their legal defense funds.) Some of these soon-to-be-former congressmen are wealthy enough to simply hit the beach, but most will pretend to go back to private law practice for the required year away from Washington before becoming high-priced lobbyists. And that makes leaving Congress feel pretty okay. Being high-priced is a status symbol in the lobbyist business, same as in the hooker business. And that’s not the only similarity.
As it happens, soon-to-be-former Speaker of the House is from my beloved home Bucky Badger State of Wisconsin. This means I can easily drive down to Janesville and have a beer with him on his front veranda (Mueller Lite please.) I’d be glad to do this, just by way of helpfully helping him pass the time. You see, he has a special problem. Unlike most congressmen, he does not have a law degree. Speaker will have to be satisfied with joining five or ten corporate boards (for a retainer of $250,000 each.) But corporate boards meet only four times a year, so lots of time left over for beer on the veranda. I recommend he join the company that provides those portable pooper potties at the Cedarburg flea market, because you know, experience with that stuff.
In related news, we learned this week that current Speaker’s predecessor Speaker will be joining the board of an organization dedicated to legalized cannabis. While in office, this guy insisted cannabis was the devil. This only goes to show how horribly addicting money can be.
I’m really not sure how we’ll replace these august gentlemen of the ruling party. With great wisdom they voted into law a huge tax decrease just a few months ago, mostly for billionaires. With great courage they voted into law a huge increase in federal spending just a few weeks ago. Lo, in their great foresightedness they then foresaw the budget deficit spiraling toward one trillion dollars per year. So last week they voted, (knowing it wouldn’t become law) for a balanced budget amendment. You can’t make this stuff up.
Fun fact: In the aforementioned federal budget, just the increase in U.S. military spending is more than the entire annual military budget of Russia, and about half of the military budget of the Chinese. Our military budget is eight to ten times that of Russia, and about triple that of China. Have you ever seen that movie, Red Dawn, where the American west gets overrun by the Commies? Not gonna happen. But we need more firepower folks, we need more firepower. If Darth Vader and his Death Star appear overhead, we’re screwed.
When I saw the news about all of these seats opening up in Congress I thought wow, here’s my big chance. I’ve always thought I would make a good congressman; and now more so than ever. I’ll fit right in. I’m old, my brain is down to half-speed, and I look horrible on television. (I haven’t actually been on television since 1972 at Nixon’s second inauguration. I don’t want to talk about that.) Before I can be a congressman however, I need to find a rich guy to support me. This is a bi-partisan point by the way. You can’t get anywhere with either major political party unless you come with a rich guy in tow. (And if you’re running with the Green Party, well I love it! You’re so funny!) Unfortunately, my own local congressman is one of the few who is not yet ready to give up his seat. He’s only 110 years old, so still young for a congressman. And the people of our district hold him in high regard, likely because they think he is the sole surviving member of the Founding Fathers. Maybe I’ll move to Canada. I’ve heard they don’t have a congressman up there.
Many practitioners of political punditry think these rats are deserting the congressional ship because the party is suffering from deleterious effects of the crazy man. (Don’t even pretend to not know who the crazy man is.) I say that is a negatory. In support of my position, I give you two words; Sarah Palin. Or three words; Rick “Oops” Perry. Or, I can give you seven more words; Christine “I am not a witch” O’Donnell. And wait, I have fifteen more words; Richard “when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that’s something God intended” Mourdock. Or how about, Rick “man on dog” Santorum (don’t even ask). If you’re going to turn your party into a circus, don’t be surprised when the biggest clown grabs the spotlight. If you’re going to turn your party into a pigpen, don’t be surprised when the biggest hog dominates the wallow.
I am not so certain the projected progressive purge will come to pass. Because gerrymandering, voter suppression, big money, dirty tricks, and all that scary-sounding-stuff-that-will-happen-if-they-lose they keep coming up with. Why are all these congressmen giving up, just when they’re getting good at this stuff?
But don’t feel too badly for them. Prior congressional retirees have done just fine, as you can see right here.