When I started this blog I promised myself I would never, ever, ever talk about Kim Kardashian. But now, OMG, I can’t help myself. The catalyst for this catastrophic moment was a story in the online magazine Glamour.com (which I read regularly, I assure you.) There was a big shindig in the Big Apple recently called the Met Gala. From what I can gather, it is basically an excuse for the rich and famous to get dressed up and sashay across a red carpet. And Kim Kardashian is not going to miss such an opportunity, because after two weeks or so with no sashaying she goes into red carpet withdrawal. Well it turns out that in her travels Ms. Kardashian forgot her press-on nails in Los Angeles. But never fear; tragedy was averted when her buddy Katy Perry flew them out to New York City on her private jet. Not only did this save the evening, but it gave Kim something to Tweet about the next day. And that was huge, because without such an interesting and heartwarming story to tell, she might have had to Tweet about something boring, like child poverty, or world peace. So all ended happily as Kim took delivery of her press-on nails, which let’s face it, did go beautifully with her capped teeth, false eyelashes and hair extensions.
The theme of the evening was Heavenly Bodies: Fashion And The Catholic Imagination. (I promise you, I am not making this up.) Now I was raised Catholic, but let me tell you, I never saw any Heavenly Bodies in the church basement over at St. John The Baptist dressed like those pics I saw on Glamour.com. (And I inspected them all very closely, just to make sure.) When I was thirteen I had quite an imagination, but I never imagined anything like that. Kim Kardashian wore a gold shiny sausage skin which was almost too long on the bottom, but was definitely too short on top. It barely reached up to those two funny looking things that sort of popped out of her dress up there. (Well, that’s how I thought about those things when I was thirteen.) I don’t know that her attire was all that Catholically, but she did have a couple of Christian crosses stitched into the design. So I guess it’s all good. Glamour.com pointed out that it took six people several hours to get her dressed-up, made-up, and ready for the big night, and it’s not clear that included two manicurists who handled the press-on nails. I used to hate putting on a clip-on tie for church.
However, like many of us, Ms. Kardashian decided to get casual as soon as church was over. To the Met Gala after party (what’s a party without an after party) she switched outfits to a black mini-skirt with no middle and a barely-there top, all held together by, as Glamour described it, bondage inspired strapping and gold buckles. After all, nothing says Catholic like a little bondage now and then. Even Hot Susie never wore anything like that to the Monday night C.Y.O. meets.
But Kim Kardashian was tame compared to the aforementioned buddy, Katy Perry. Let’s let Vogue Magazine describe it. “With a blinding gold lamé minidress, thigh-high boots, and towering feathered wings so large that she had to enter the museum sideways, Perry was at her excessive best.” If the pic in Vogue was accurate, the gold lamé minidress was basically see-through. And I believe the pic was accurate because, well, I have a magnifying glass. Oh yes, that is exactly what Sister Mary told us the angels would look like when we went up to heaven. That is why I was such a good boy for a very long time.
It wasn’t all about the ladies though. My favorite comedian, Stephen Colbert, wore this garish whitish jacket with dark gray patterns of some sort all over it (not sure what they were because I didn’t inspect his pic quite as closely as Katy Perry.) Maybe it’s the kind of thing a funny man wears to a fancy party, I don’t know. What I do know is I had one just like it when I was a teenager. So yeah, it was cool.
It turns out not everyone felt love and smiles that night though. An autograph seeker was allegedly beaten by the bodyguards of Cardi B and Offset after the Gala. To which I say, who the hell are Cardi B and Offset? To which Google says, some kind of superstar rappers. There was a happy ending to this story however. The beaten man will get his autographs after all. They will come in the form of Cardi B and Offset’s signatures on the settlement of his lawsuit. It turns out Cardi B is a girl, and furthermore she is preggers. Apparently she told Ellen DeGeneres, after being shown a video of her twerking, “I was just trying to show the world how I got pregnant in the first place.” I got news for you Cardi B, that ain’t how it works.
I was having a hard time following this whole Met Gala story because I don’t know who half of these extremely famous people are. I remember when the famous people were Jimmy Stewart and Julie Andrews. Now it’s Cardi B and Offset. I got on the internet machine and did some research. I reviewed the public record of Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry, Cardi B, twerking, you name it. Especially the twerking. That took a lot of research. I had to watch a lot of video to figure that one out. But it’s okay though, because I am a life-long learner. I made the sacrifice for the sake of knowledge.
Now that I have spoken of Kim Kardashian, I hereby take a solemn oath to never do so again. I can’t make the same promise about Katy Perry though. And you can betcha booties I’m going to keep my eyes on the pixels of Glamour.com. They’ve got some pretty hard hitting reporting going on over there. I’ll be looking for their coverage of this up and coming superstar right here.