Prologue to this post: If you are my grandma, wife, mother, daughter, or any other female lady person, close your browser immediately. Do not read any further. This post is not for you. Thank you.
Now then guys, you won’t believe this, but I just saw a new study, as reported on NPR.org, that Grandma is more important than we are. Now I’m mad. Yes, that’s right, a lady Prof at the University of Utah by the name of Kristen Hawkes has published a study that contradicts the prevailing-until-now theory called Man The Hunter. Up until now the theory has always been that back in the day, when mankind lived off the land, the man of the clan was the most important and critical member of the family and of society. When everybody gathered around the dining room table, they were dining on that haunch of elk, or that wild turkey, or that raccoon on a rotisserie, that the man of the clan had hunted down and killed a few hours before. Furthermore, since there were no refrigerators, it has always been obvious that the he-man of each family or clan had the unfailing ability to saunter forth and hunt down that game virtually on-demand. He was as reliable as the Domino’s Pizza Delivery guy. Now Professor Hawkes (Did I mention that she’s a she?) has the audacity to suggest that if families were waiting for dad to arrive back at camp with supper, they’d go to bed hungry 96.6% of the time. Not 20% of the time, not 30% of the time, but 96.6% of the time! The family would literally starve. Instead, this obviously biased lady prof says the family mostly relied on grandma to come home with grocery bags full of nuts, berries, and edible roots. Just think about that. Grandma. Grandma! I’m okay with the idea that the wifey figure might find a few berries here and there, but this study goes much farther down its twisted road. It suggests that once mom had her first child she didn’t have so much time to gather food, so much of the burden fell to grandma.
Furthermore, this study suggests that ancient society’s dependence on grandma had profound effects on the development of modern mankind. For example, the prof postulates that societal dependence on grandma’s food gathering ability might explain why, even today, women live longer than men. The forces of evolution would naturally perpetuate families in which grandma lived a long, long time. Interesting theory, if you believe in evolution. I suspect it’s more about grandma wanting to hang around long enough to get the car keys all to herself.
This theory cannot lead to anything good (for men.) If we accept that women were the primary breadfruit winners back then, we may have to theorize that they held true power in society. And if women come to think their great-great-great-great-great grandmothers held true power in society, as mankind progressed to modernity, maybe they might think they should have true power now. You can see where I’m going with this, guys. This is really bad.
The first order of business then, is to examine and debunk this whole thing, and fast. Number one; the idea that daddy came home empty-handed 96.6% of the time is pure nonsense. Quite the opposite; I know a guy who can hit a clay-pigeon with his shotgun 96.6% of the time. Of course, clay pigeons are kind of chewy, but you know, it’s just an example. Let’s not forget that guy on Naked and Afraid who caught that really scrumptious snake on only his second day. And snakes are good eating; better than raccoon any day. That’s not even to mention the fishing side of this whole thing. Guys are such amazing fishermen. We all know guys who are so good, the fish actually grow in size after they catch them, every time they tell the tale of exactly how that amazingly huge fish was caught. And then there are deer hunters; so many expert deer hunters. Why, I myself personally shot at deers lots of times, back when I was a deer hunter. (I unfailingly picked up a sub sandwich for supper on the way home. I was very good at that.)
Guys, I’m telling you, we can’t let this thing get away from us. We’ve got to come out with an alternate study. Professor Hawkes based her findings partly on the practices of aboriginal tribes who still live in the old way, such as the Hadza tribe in Africa. But come on, does she really expect us to extrapolate from the ancient ways to the modern? Are we supposed to arrive at conclusions about the ingrained nature of mankind based on people without aircraft carriers or nuclear weapons? I think not! Let’s move into the modern era for proof that man is the superior bread winner. We all know that men get paid 30% more than women, while doing 30% less work. I mean, how can you argue with that? That is pure talent!
Postscript to this post: If any of you lady people out there disregarded my strict instructions, and read this post anyway, please know that, yes, I am winking at you as I write this. But that’s just because I think you’re cute. 😉