Recently the United Nations released a study claiming that Finland is the happiest country on earth. What? Are we sure Finland is even a real country? I didn’t see them anywhere at Disney Epcot. Finland? This is a country where winter is real winter, even in summer. The north of Finland is above the Arctic Circle. I didn’t think you could be happy north of the Arctic Circle, but then I remembered Santa Claus. But really, we don’t know that Santa Claus is happy, do we. Finland moved into the top slot by knocking out last year’s winner, which was Norway. Now, I can understand Norway being the happiest country on earth. They get to eat lutefisk. Lutefisk is fish soaked in cold water for several days, then soaked in lye for two days, and then water again. I don’t know if you know what lye is, but it ain’t pretty. When I was a kid on the farm we used it to clear the drains in the barn when they got clogged. Holy crap, who would do something like that to a fish? I mean, even a dead one for god’s sake! Lutefisk comes out of this torture treatment with a gelatinous texture. I hear it’s great. Why don’t you give it a try and let me know? (Seriously, if you’ve had lutefisk, drop me a line, I’d like to hear about it.) But now I see that they eat lutefisk in Finland too, so I guess those two countries tied on that one. However Norway has lots of oil money, so I suppose that was the tiebreaker. (I wonder if Norwegians also soak their fish in crude oil?)
True story: My brother once visited Norway, and being the adventurous type, he had a whale burger for lunch, which I guess is a thing over there. This might seem kind of bad to my more delicate readers, but never fear, he kept his promise to “free Willy” just a few hours later. (A nod to my brother for that joke…and if you don’t get it, no, I’m not going to explain.)
Meanwhile, the United States came in 18th in this happiness study. Eighteenth place! And that was down five spots from the prior year. I can’t imagine why we would come down. (Well, maybe I can.) How could our own United States not come out on top? We are the United States! Still, this study, I don’t pay it no mind. (That was a stick in the eye to my college writing professor.) After all, it was done by the United Nations. Are we going to let a bunch of foreigners decide we are not the happiest country on earth? I think not. Due to the questionable outcome of this study, I decided to look into it, and found it was mostly based on the following questionnaire:
1.) Can you appear in a sauna completely naked without the other saunees laughing out loud?
2.) Do you live in a country that is not named North Korea?
3.) Is it too cold for mosquitos nine months out of the year?
4.) Does your country have more reindeer than people?
5.) Does your country have more trees than television sets?
6.) Does your country have ten or more aircraft carriers? (Studies show there is a direct correlation between the number of aircraft carriers a country has and the happiness of its citizens.)
7.) How many servings per capita does your country eat of Kraft macaroni and cheese in an average week? (The one in the blue box marked with a smiley face made of macaroni.)
8.) Is it necessary to post signs on the doors of your schools and churches notifying people that guns are not allowed inside?
9.) Does the more fiscally conservative of the political parties in your country run trillion dollar budget deficits?
10.) Does the President or Prime Minister of your country have an albino squirrel living on top of his head?
That last one is a trick question, I think. Some might consider a ‘yes’ to that one a negative, but I think it’s a positive. After all, it is rather amusing, don’t you think? No? Whatever your feelings about that, there is so much here in America to make us happy. We have the biggest pickup trucks, the Kardashians, the best television commercials (if you like stupid), the most television commercials, real football instead of that wimpy soccer, and of course we have the Stormy Daniels show. The Stormy Daniels show has been so good it’s now in reruns on endless loop. It’s been so good it’s now generating spin-offs. There’s the Karen McDougal show, the Summer Zervos show, and god help us who knows…stay tuned. They might have to spin up a whole ‘nother cable channel. What does Finland have? Finland has the aforementioned lutefisk, herring, Kaalikääryleet (cabbage rolls), moose (not chocolate mousse, just moose), and curdled milk. They also have lots of trees. And lakes. And snow. It’s a beautiful country I hear, if you like trees and lakes and snow more than, say, East Chicago. The United States has ten lane expressways to handle traffic quickly and efficiently at all times. Finland has sleighs pulled by reindeer. Have you ever seen the sleigh-pulled-by-reindeer version of a six car pileup? It’s ugly.
I’ve never been to Finland, and I have to confess I don’t know much about it. So I did some research on the interweb. The first thing I learned is that Ansa is a warm loving young Finnish lady who wants me bad. That information popped up in a header ad above my Google search. Further research shows that Ansa also means “trap”. That just goes to show that Finnish internet trolls have a sense of humor. Despite my misgivings, I responded to her with an email. I wanted to learn something about Finland, and she was the only Finnish person I knew, unless you count that Little Mermaid girl at Disney World. (Because, you know, she’s got fins?) And wouldn’t you know it, but I fell for her, hard! I think I’m in love. I may be a crazy old fool, but as they say, I fell for her hook, line, and sinker. I just hope she doesn’t turn me into lutefisk.
Here in America we have much to make us happy, but truthfully, so do the people of Finland. They have us. Check it out right here.