Meghan Markle married Prince Harry, and it was another amazing royal wedding, to be gushed and drooled over for days. But hold on, Prince Harry is only sixth in line for the throne of England. Ahead of him are his dear old daddy, Prince Charles, and his older brother Prince William. But did you know his brother’s three children are also all ahead of him? That includes little Prince Louis, who was born less than a month before the wedding. So Prince Harry has to stand in line behind his nephew who was less than a month old as of this writing. That has got to sting don’t you think?
And what about poor Prince Charles? He was once the center of attention (albeit all of it bad.) Now he’s just a lonely old man in the back of the room. Cheer up Prince Charles, the good news is that someday the spotlight will swing back your way. The bad news is, that will be at your funeral.
I can picture Christmas dinner at Buckingham Palace. The royal family is seated around the banquet table. All eyes are on the turkey platter. There is only one drumstick left.
Prince Harry (speaking to Charles): Hey Pops, Your Highness, did you want that last drumstick?
Charles: Not at all, Your Highness My Princely Son, please do help yourself. Or rather, of course, allow the servant here to deliver that last drumstick to your plate.
Little Prince George (Prince William’s oldest): But Grandpa, I want that drumstick. Why can’t I have that drumstick? I’m third in line to the throne, and Harry is only sixth in line!
Harry (eyes glued to that drumstick): Well now, little nephew, I will point out that Your Highness already has more on his plate than a five year old can possibly eat. (He reaches toward the turkey platter).
Little Prince George (stabbing at Harry’s fingers with his salad fork): No Uncle Harry, no! You give me that drumstick, or I’ll have you locked up in The Tower.
Harry: We don’t really use The Tower anymore Your Highness Little Nephew Prince George. That would be considered bad form these days.
Prince Charles: It’s proper that in such weighty matters the Queen shall decide. What do you say Mum?
Queen Elizabeth: Yes I’m terribly sorry Harry, protocol must always be followed. Little George is third in line to the throne. Have the servant give him the drumstick. That is my royal decision for this year.
Little Prince George (sticking out his tongue at Harry and speaking in sing-song fashion): Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya! I am third in line, I get the turkey leg!
I do find myself wondering why we freedom loving Americans are so enamored of all this British Royal Family stuff. After all, we fought a war to get rid of these people. And with good reason; that King George was crazier than a coot. Even the British were trying to keep him under lock and key as best they could. Yet here we are, watching a Prince who is only sixth in line for the throne get married, and gushing like gushers gushing slobber all over the place. I thought Anderson Cooper was going to drown in his own slobber! Yes I know the bride was American, but please, every single celebrity from these United States who found a way to sneak in the back door was there, from Oprah to George Clooney to Serena Williams. Was this a wedding or one gigantic photo op? Is it just me, or did that fully bedecked priest leading the bride up the aisle look exactly like Rudy Giuliani? Come on Rudy! I know you love the spotlight but really, you’re dressing up in red vestments and posing as a royal minister? You’re sneaking into the picture again, like a little weasel scurrying across the outfield of a baseball game?
Why do we admire these people so much? After the church ceremony the wedding party made their getaway in a horse drawn carriage. I mean, holy crap, these people can’t even afford cars anymore. I know they all live in castles, but let’s face it; those are all just hand-me down houses from their ancestors. These days the Empire is just a bit bigger than my living room. Is there anything even left of the British Empire? As recently as 100 years ago, Britain ruled over almost one quarter of both the land area and the people of this earth. Today it’s basically the Falklands and Guernsey Island. The Falklands offer little more than a bunch of sheep, and I’m not sure there are even any cows on Guernsey anymore. I’m thinking the Royal Family has to buy their 2% milk down at the corner Kwik Trip, just like the rest of us.
I suppose the tens of millions of us Americans who watched the Royal Wedding did so because the bride was American actress Meghan Markle. The Brits seemed to make a very big deal of the fact that she is African-American. No actually, on second thought, it was mostly we Americans who made a big deal of that. But I do suspect the Brits were put out that she is a commoner. I’m wondering exactly when that became okay, because I know at one time that would never have happened. Once-upon-a-time European Royals were only allowed to marry European Royals. And if the bride was your first cousin, so much the better. Did you know that back in the day the royal families of Britain, Germany, Russia, and pretty much the rest of Europe were basically one big happy family? Well, maybe not always happy, because you know, World War One. But then every family has its little disagreements now and then.
Now that the royal wedding is over, who and what are we all going to watch? Our own eminent luminaries, like that crazy cast of characters on cable news? Do we really have to go back to that? Holy crapoly, I don’t think I can bear it. What about little Prince George? Is it too soon for Prince George to get married? I’d much rather watch that.