Bombogenesis? Holy crappoly! Is this really the weather report? Allow me to elucidate.
Do you remember Snowmageddon? That was nothing. I just saw the CNN weather person spit out all the above scary-sounding stuff in one glorious forecast. Weather people love to talk like this. This is weather person dirty talk. He was so excited I’m surprised he didn’t pee his pants. What he was trying to say is that it’s #@!!$% cold outside, and it’s about to get colder. But I didn’t need CNN to tell me that. I just went out to fill up my gas tank, and I forgot my gloves. I’m an idiot. Why didn’t the CNN guy remind me about my gloves? It would have been much more useful than that story about the penguins in Calgary Zoo waddling inside to enjoy their heated Jacuzzi room. And CNN should be on top of tips like that. They have a guy named Wolf Blitzer. Sounds like the name of a reindeer in the Santy Clause crowd. The weather guy found it necessary to mention that at that moment Chicago was colder than the surface of Mars. He found it such a clever point he mentioned it twice. Stop already! I live north of Chicago. I don’t find that amusing. And, why do they have to leave the ‘n’ off the end of nor’easter. And Bombogenesis? Is that really a thing? Yes, I guess it is. Google it.
But let’s face it, the people at CNN are amateurs at this. If you want to see the real pros, head on over to the Weather Channel. Those are the guys warning you to flee summer hurricanes while they’re out on the beach trying to stand in 200 mile-per-hour winds with dumpsters from the local McDonalds flying through the air. This week’s bomb cyclone is expected to deliver 65 mile-per-hour winds. That is no challenge for the Weather Channel’s designated go-outside-and-stand-in-the-wind people. They will see some garbage cans flying around, but no full-sized dumpsters. I expect this week some guy at the Weather Channel will be sliding down a frozen Niagara Falls on his arse, simultaneously spewing words about how dangerous this stuff is. The Weather Channel believes there’s no business like snow business. But you know what really prods my pucker face? It’s when I think about the invention of the wind chill factor. They weren’t satisfied telling us it was twenty degrees below zero. Oh no, not enough fun! They wanted to tell us that with wind chill it actually felt like 110 below! It’s all marketing. What little gimmick will they invent next, the Measured Mars Ratio? The temperature, wait no, the wind chill in your neighborhood divided by the wind chill on Mars. I’m not sure there’s much wind on Mars, but whatever, it’s cool.
Let’s take a tour around the country with the weathermen. First they show us the frozen water fountain in Pensacola. Floridians are shocked, shocked!, to learn that water freezes when it gets cold. Now let’s move over to Charleston, South Carolina, where bomb cyclone is expected to deliver eight inches of snow. Now let’s keep in mind that in Houghton/Hancock Michigan it snows that much in an hour, every hour, for like 363 days out of the year. Still, Carolinians will be traumatized. And now I see the map of expected power outages. There will be trees down, power lines down, people climbing the power poles and drilling into transformers so they can burn the oil inside to stay warm (yes folks, transformers have oil inside). It will be bad. How bad will it be? It will be worse than the attack on the power grid in Live Free or Die Hard. And there will be no Bruce Willis to save us. Maybe the people of Puerto Rico will send us their utility crews. Maybe they’ll feel sorry for us.
I think it’s time to fully embrace global warming. No really. I’m so sick of this fricking deep freeze I don’t care if we have to sacrifice all of South Florida. I don’t like those alligators anyway. Those alligators are not my friends. Let the Greenland glaciers melt. Let the oceans rise. I just want the temps here in Wisconsin to get back up to minus 10 again. And that would be in summer! It seems such a short time ago we had the year with no winter. Instead of Christmas in July, we had July at Christmas. It was literally 50 degrees in February and 80 degrees in March. I have decided I am going to do all I can to hurry global warming along. I’m going to get me a great big diesel pickup truck that gets six miles to the gallon and just drive it around the block all day. I’m going to buy a coal burning furnace for my house. I’m going to smuggle beans into the local dairy cooperative and mix it with the cattle feed, thusly doubling bovine flatulence. Every cow fart helps.
Yes when global warming truly arrives everything will be wonderful; palm trees lining Lake Michigan’s shoreline, babes in bikinis everywhere, sun bathing on New Year’s Day. When guys flaunt their six-packs, we won’t be talking Miller Lite. Well okay, we’ll probably still be talking Miller Lite. This is, after all, Wisconsin.
In the meantime, it’s very very cold outside. How cold is it? It’s so cold I saw a polar bear hitchhiking south. It’s so cold I stuck my head in the fridge to warm up my ears. It’s so cold the president’s hot air would be welcome around here. Well actually, let me think about that.